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Seattle, WA — Amazon.com founder and CEO Jeff Bezos today announced a recall of the company’s ‘Kindle’ ebook reader, due to what he described as a “very small risk of fire”.
“The Kindle has so far been a blazing success,” said Bezos at a hastily-arranged press conference, “which has sparked people’s imaginations and re-ignited interest in reading books. Unfortunately, we have learned that for a very small number of users, the Kindle itself may actually burst into flames.”
Bezos stressed that the only users who may be impacted by this are gadget-obsessed early adopters, and frequent travellers who intend to buy at least 80 ebooks over the next two years. “Everyone else will be completely unaffected.”
“We’re not sure at this point what is causing these isolated incidents where the Kindle spontaneously combusts,’ added Gregg Zehr, Head of Kindle Design and Engineering at Amazon. “The Kindle has no features in it that can generate that kind of reaction. The only thing we’re absolutely sure is not causing the problem is the digital book content, because that’s totally safe when delivered in the older analogue format.”
“Anyway, I just want to assure everyone that we’re working on a whole new design for the Kindle, one that’s actually value for money, and doesn’t look like the glove compartment lid of an old Toyota.”
When asked how many users were affected by the recall, Bezos replied, “Well, the Kindle sold out on its first day, you know. We had to keep stocks to a bare minimum to make sure that happened. But those early adopters, God bless them, they gotta buy something just to say they own it. Anyway, we know exactly who the buyers are, and where they live, and what they read. Strangely enough, a lot of them also own Segways.”
Bezos then discussed how much the recall would cost Amazon. “Dude, we’re taking a bath on the Kindle as it is. The electronic paper display is so expensive, especially when it’s produced in such small numbers. Trust me, we’re not making a penny on the hardware. We had to find a factory in Asia that used to make knockoff Texas Instruments calculators just to keep the unit price under half a grand. Before this, we would’ve broke even if everyone re-purchased their entire book collection in Kindle format. Now, we’re gonna have to figure out how to get them to order stereos and lawn chairs through the thing too.
“Anyway, I just want to assure everyone that we’re working on a whole new design for the Kindle, one that’s actually value for money, and doesn’t look like the glove compartment lid of an old Toyota. It should be ready in a couple of years. We’re also working on an improved ebook format too, so when the Kindle 2 is available, everyone will have to replace their old Kindles if they want to keep buying books through Amazon.
“In the meantime, Kindle users affected by the recall can continue to purchase titles through Amazon in the safer, printed format.”
An Amazon Kindle igniting, in a controlled experiment. The book underneath remains unaffected.
Bestselling author James Patterson, who participated in the initial marketing campaign for the Kindle, was on hand when the recall was announced. “I still think it’s a great product, and once they get these minor problems out of the way I think the Kindle could really explode.”
– Stephen Jayson Harris covered the launch of the Amazon Kindle for Starlog magazine. He is currently a Top 1000-rated reviewer on Amazon.com. He was the first person in the US to be injured while trying to ride a Segway down a flight of stairs.
Original photo of Jeff Bezos © Mark Lennihan/AP.
Postscript: Continuing what I hope will be a tradition when discussing the Amazon Kindle, I present another example of what happens when the PR people aren’t paying attention. At right is a screenshot from Amazon’s own promotional video about the Kindle. If you can’t spot the problem, roll your mouse over the image.
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Interesting, also, how they have a copy of Stephen King’s Cell on their bookshelf, about wireless technology turning people into psychotic killers.
Funny. Thanks for some much needed humor.
[...] “The Kindle has so far been a blazing success,” said Bezos at a hastily-arranged press conference, “which has sparked people’s imaginations and re-ignited interest in reading books. Unfortunately, we have learned that for a very small number of users, the Kindle itself may actually burst into flames.” Read more … [...]
Sean, you might want to read the comments on the Petrona link if you want a further laugh. Every time I start to think “You know, maybe tech-obsessed wannabe writers might have a sense of humor after all, at least one that doesn’t involve sodomizing kittens,” I get proven wrong all over again. You can just hear the nasal nerk of “Oh, that’s so not true.”
Paul, one of the funniest things about this kind of article is how there’s always a few people who umm and ahh about whether it’s genuine, and occasionally someone who passes it along as fact. To wit:
Kindle on Fire, Really on FIRE!
It’s a dedicated Kindle news site, quoting the article as if was from Reuters, and reacting angrily to the idea that Amazon might only be replacing Kindles for a select group of users. Someone in the comments accuses them of effectively yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theater.
Another nerk from the first-implementer crowd, and one that I heard repeatedly over the ISBD article: “I didn’t think that was funny at all.”
If only he’d used a QUALITY manufacturer like Acme (whose products on self destruct around relatively rare Roadrunners) this could have all been avoided.
Is this site dead ? Did you stop writing ? Ha…!
Has anyone read The Well of Lost Plots by Jasper Fforde? Of course, you’ll probably need to read the first two books of the series for it to make sense, but it’s very humorous, and involves something called UltraWord (BOOK version 9), which drains the poetry out of all literature completely, and can only ever be read by three people total, rendering all libraries and secondhand bookstores unusable.
Personally, I find the entire idea of technologized books ridiculous. Half the magic is in the format, and there really isn’t a problem with books as we know them anyway. Besides which, I’ve heard that spending hours staring at a computer screen works horrors on your eyes.
I’m reading The Well of Lost Plots at the moment. Thanks for spoiling it for me.
The “electronic ink” screen of the Kindle is not like a computer or handheld screen. It uses reflected rather than transmitted light (like paper), so theoretically it’s not such an eyestrain, just a money drain (it’s apparently the most expensive component of the Kindle, and the main reason for the exhorbitant price).
No problem.
That’s interesting about the screen, although I’ll bet that a lot of people won’t care about what the science says and lump it all together anyway. I still won’t be buying it though. I have better things to spend my money on — like books.
Is everything you’ve written here truth? It is so funny! Thank you for sharing it with us! I enjoyed reading it. Moreover thank you for your advice.
If for a very small number of users, the Kindle itself may burst into flames I won’t be buying it though. I have better things to spend my money on.