101 Reasons to Stop Writing

Seattle, WA — Amazon.com founder and CEO Jeff Bezos today announced a recall of the company’s ‘Kindle’ ebook reader, due to what he described as a “very small risk of fire”.

“The Kindle has so far been a blazing success,” said Bezos at a hastily-arranged press conference, “which has sparked people’s imaginations and re-ignited interest in reading books. Unfortunately, we have learned that for a very small number of users, the Kindle itself may actually burst into flames.”

Bezos stressed that the only users who may be impacted by this are gadget-obsessed early adopters, and frequent travellers who intend to buy at least 80 ebooks over the next two years. “Everyone else will be completely unaffected.”

“We’re not sure at this point what is causing these isolated incidents where the Kindle spontaneously combusts,’ added Gregg Zehr, Head of Kindle Design and Engineering at Amazon. “The Kindle has no features in it that can generate that kind of reaction. The only thing we’re absolutely sure is not causing the problem is the digital book content, because that’s totally safe when delivered in the older analogue format.”

“Anyway, I just want to assure everyone that we’re working on a whole new design for the Kindle, one that’s actually value for money, and doesn’t look like the glove compartment lid of an old Toyota.”

When asked how many users were affected by the recall, Bezos replied, “Well, the Kindle sold out on its first day, you know. We had to keep stocks to a bare minimum to make sure that happened. But those early adopters, God bless them, they gotta buy something just to say they own it. Anyway, we know exactly who the buyers are, and where they live, and what they read. Strangely enough, a lot of them also own Segways.”

Bezos then discussed how much the recall would cost Amazon. “Dude, we’re taking a bath on the Kindle as it is. The electronic paper display is so expensive, especially when it’s produced in such small numbers. Trust me, we’re not making a penny on the hardware. We had to find a factory in Asia that used to make knockoff Texas Instruments calculators just to keep the unit price under half a grand. Before this, we would’ve broke even if everyone re-purchased their entire book collection in Kindle format. Now, we’re gonna have to figure out how to get them to order stereos and lawn chairs through the thing too.

“Anyway, I just want to assure everyone that we’re working on a whole new design for the Kindle, one that’s actually value for money, and doesn’t look like the glove compartment lid of an old Toyota. It should be ready in a couple of years. We’re also working on an improved ebook format too, so when the Kindle 2 is available, everyone will have to replace their old Kindles if they want to keep buying books through Amazon.

“In the meantime, Kindle users affected by the recall can continue to purchase titles through Amazon in the safer, printed format.”

An Amazon Kindle igniting, in a controlled experiment. The book underneath remains unaffected.

Bestselling author James Patterson, who participated in the initial marketing campaign for the Kindle, was on hand when the recall was announced. “I still think it’s a great product, and once they get these minor problems out of the way I think the Kindle could really explode.”

– Stephen Jayson Harris covered the launch of the Amazon Kindle for Starlog magazine. He is currently a Top 1000-rated reviewer on Amazon.com. He was the first person in the US to be injured while trying to ride a Segway down a flight of stairs.

Original photo of Jeff Bezos © Mark Lennihan/AP.

Postscript: Continuing what I hope will be a tradition when discussing the Amazon Kindle, I present another example of what happens when the PR people aren’t paying attention. At right is a screenshot from Amazon’s own promotional video about the Kindle. If you can’t spot the problem, roll your mouse over the image.