101 Reasons to Stop Writing

Take a moment to reflect: you’re sitting on a million words of unfinished drafts and abandoned stories, with enough rejection letters to papier-mâché your own statue of Ernest Hemingway, and OJ Simpson is (still) on the NYT bestseller list, and about to be published in the UK.

Things I Missed Last Week

• Adam Hanft (at the Colbert Report ripoff HuffingtonPost.com) recounts how Nobel laureate Doris Lessing once tested the “nothing succeeds like success” adage by submitting two previously unpublished novels under a pseudonym. They were rejected by her then-publisher. They were picked up by another, but without the weight of “Doris Lessing” on the cover, they sank without a splash. She even sent copies to reviewers familiar with her work, who lavished them with indifference. If this is at all surprising to you, stop writing. (Via InkyGirl.)

News to Know, to Keep Up with the Conversation

• Man Booker Prize chairman Sir Howard Davies has harsh words to say about the literary blowjobs that pass for reviews in English newspapers: “Too many reviewers adopt a reverential tone for books that barely deserve a review, let alone recommendation.” Times Literary Editor Erica Wagner defends the critical arts by intimating that reviews are just as subjective, pernicious and bogus as prizes.
• J.K. Rowling admits that all that Dumbledore slashfic is right on the money. Some talking points:

• Though the linked article and virtually every other source quotes J.K. Rowling as saying “Dumbledore is gay,” a (purported) transcript of the event where the revelation occurred has her saying: “I always thought of Dumbledore as gay.” If you don’t understand the distinction, stop writing.
• And the fact that the author is telling us this, after the last book in the series has been released, means that Dumbledore’s sexuality has absolutely no relevance to the saga. At best, this is author’s remorse, that she never worked this detail into the books. At worst, she’s just trying to stick it to the book burners, those people who think that a gay headmaster at a fictional wizard school is a sign of the End Times, but a god who razed an entire city because a few people liked it up the bum is worth two thousand years of tithes and crusades.
• You would think, though, that for a wizard, who can teleport at will, summon objects or transmute with a wave of the wand (no pun intended), conventional definitions of sexuality seem, well, Mugglish. Dumbledore is beyond gay: he’s enchanted. (Apologies to Robin Williams for borrowing an old gag.)

From the Blogosphere

• Sarah Weinman discovers that at least one ghostwriter for RL Stine’s Fear Street series doesn’t understand the meaning of the word ‘confidentiality’, even when it’s followed by ‘agreement’.
• Simon Haynes shows off how many trees died to help him through five drafts of writing his latest funny space book. Most amusing is the implication that the early drafts are so bad, his wife waits for an Advance Review Copy.
• Lee Goldberg, in discussing a newly-formed group trying to recoup money from fraudsters Airleaf Publishing, addresses the moral dichotomy of deploring the scam artists, and feeling little sympathy for the suckers who pay $1,500 - $10,000 to publish and promote their crap.
• Lee also gives his perspective on the Hollywood writer’s strike, in case you thought those rich, greedy writers were really screwing the poor, sensitive studios.
• Janet Reid gives an example of things agents would rather do than read your query.
• If you’re looking for a writing challenge but NaNoWriMo just isn’t arbitrary enough for you, try 70 Days of Sweat. It’s got a sexier name, you can make up your own word target, and you get days off. Your output will still be unpublishable garbage, but at least it doesn’t have forums populated with tips on waffling, and local chapters organising wannabe parties.
• Tod Goldberg loves the fucktards, especially when they’re trying to “ban” a book his work appeared in. (He really loves fucktards who answer back.)

Problems You Will Never Have

• Tess Gerritsen continues her mission to document all the anxieties of being a bestselling author. This Week: Rationalising Insecurity. Her insecurity is deeply rooted in her father’s struggle to provide for his family, against the backdrop of America’s history of racism towards Asian Americans. Your insecurity, however, is deeply rooted in your suckiness.
• Neil Gaiman finds an elegant way to tell his publisher he’s going to miss a deadline.
• Actor, comedian, author, and sex machine Stephen Fry blogs at absurd length about fame. If you find the time to read it, please give me the gist.

Quotes Taken Out of Context

• Margaret Atwood: “Writing is not a job description. [...] Don’t do it.” (Via Grumpy Old Bookman)
• Toronto Star: “[Philip] Roth is actually going to stop writing novels.”

Reviews You Don’t Want

• Rod Liddle of the Sunday Times, on OJ Simpson’s If I Did It: “Simultaneously morally disgusting and excruciatingly dull.” As if excruciating dullness isn’t morally disgusting on its own. Even better, his comment on outed ghostwriter Pablo Fenjves : “The grammar, the turn of phrase, the recourse to cliché, and all the psychological insight of a moron.” (Via Grumpy Old Bookman)
• On a related note, at least 68,000 people in the US are sickos.
• Thomas Scott McKenzie of Slushpile.Net seems a little reserved about using the word “plagiarism”, but the faculty at the University of Arkansas may want to re-grade Adam O’Hern’s term papers, in case they still have Warren St John’s fingerprints.

Thy Irony Dost Slay Me

• “I’ve seen so many traditional published books that have BAD writing, so I really can’t trust them.” From a post entitled Reasons I am Self-Publishing through Lulu.

Stop Writing if You Need This Advice

• Nathan Bransford wants to remind you: don’t add agents to your here’s-what-I’m-up-to mailing list, because if they don’t already call you “client”, they will call you “fucktard” (but so softy that you will never hear from them).
• Nathan also discusses the pros and cons of unpublished writers working on a series. Pros? You can re-use the same query letter for each volume. Cons? If the first doesn’t sell, you are wasting your life.
• Jonathan Lyons endeavours to remind you that the agent or editor’s assistant that you deride today may be the agent or editor who scorns you tomorrow. (You don’t earn the right to abuse anyone in the publishing industry until their percentage of your royalties buys them a speedboat.)
• The Rejecter reminds you that anyone offering to “connect you with agents and publishers” is just trying to connect with your wallet.
• But she’s too nice to say that prologues are stupid.
• Janet Reid wonders why someone would choose purple italic text on yellow background, in an email, and expect the recipient to read it.
• Bella Stander provides a list of things not to do just before or after publication. She advises against dying, but that’s worked for a lot of authors in the past.