101 Reasons to Stop Writing

New York — At the launch of his latest book, the horror novel You’ve Been Warned, multimillionaire author James Patterson announced he was quitting fiction writing, to focus his energies on “coming up with ideas”.

“I mean, when you have to work one word at a time, it can take weeks to write a novel. That’s time I can’t spend on enjoying all this cash.”

Patterson explained his decision to a stunned audience of publishing professionals, journalists and fans: “Writing has brought me a great deal of joy over the years, but it’s also brought me an absolutely ridiculous amount of money, and frankly, for the last few years the writing has been getting in the way of the joy of money.”

“As you know, I’ve been trying to reduce the workload. After the success of the Kiss the Girls movie, I just sent in the first draft for each book, and eventually just a detailed outline. I tried voice recognition software, dictating to naked secretaries, even psychics. In fact 1st to Die was entirely written down by John Edward, who was never even in the same room as me. But it just wasn’t fast enough.

“I mean, when you have to work one word at a time, it can take weeks to write a novel. That’s time I can’t spend on enjoying all this cash. I’ve got a fifty foot yacht moored outside my mansion that I just use for sailing out to my superyacht, which I have to keep out of US territorial waters because of the two-storey humidor filled with Cuban cigars I have custom-made out of negotiable bearer bonds. Who’s got time to write when you have to get in a sailboat just to have a puff?”

When asked how much of the writing workload was shared amongst his frequent collaborators, such as You’ve Been Warned co-author Howard Roughan, Patterson replied: “Truth be told, I haven’t written a word of fiction myself since 2004. I just brainstorm each book with a team of writers, who live in the basement. Everyone who’s had more than two stories published in Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine in the last decade has done a tour in there. We’re up to twenty-seven, now, I think. Whoever comes up with the best improvements gets their name on the front cover, and a room with a window.

“Oh, I just read his books for the stories anyway, and the words get in the way.”

“I’m coming clean with this now because I’m sick of the fans at signings begging me to read from the books. I haven’t even read this new one. Why should I? I know how it ends, unless Howie pulled a fast one on me. Next year I’m going to pre-record some author appearance footage, and Howie or Andy or Mikey or whoever can just hump round the country with a portable DVD player and a rubber stamp of my signature, so I can spend the time on my yacht, shooting marlin with a sniper rifle.”

Co-author Howard Roughan had this to say: “Mister Patterson treats us very well. I am pleased to have my name on the cover. It is great honor. Maybe people like this book, and buy some of my other books so I make the royalty, and I can pay Mister Patterson back for this great honor.”

Fans of Patterson’s novels seemed nonplussed by the author’s statement and admissions. Karen Sidle of Michigan, who camped out for three days to attend today’s New York launch, said: “Oh, I just read his books for the stories anyway, and the words get in the way. Sometimes his chapters are four or five pages long, and that’s really exhausting. I hope this means he can publish like seven or eight books a year, because that’s as many as I can read. I hate buying books by other writers, because it feels like the books are just full of words.”

After Patterson’s announcement, a representative of publishing company Little & Brown read from a prepared statement: “We applaud Mister Patterson’s decision to focus his substantial creative energies on the more efficient generation of ideas. This will allow us to standardise our manufacturing process. By 2010 we expect to move A James Patterson Novel™ to a monthly, glossy magazine format.”

Stephen Jayson Harris has reviewed all of James Patterson’s novels for crime magazine Connecticut Noir. He divides his time between New York and Mumbai, India, where he consults for an outsourcing firm that provides local news content for low-circulation US newspapers.