101 Reasons to Stop Writing

(Fsck me, a Weekend Update. For the week ending 6 May. Worth the wait. 850 more items and I’ll be caught up.)

Note to agents: whenever you feel like complaining about idiotic slushdwellers, email me. I’m a good listener, and cheaper than a shrink.

The Rejecter denies the existence of the slushpile blacklist, and describes the type of authors that really annoy the crap out of agents. She also points out that agents usually pass on literary fiction, mostly because no-one buys it unless the author is already successful.

Denis McGrath continues his rant on fan fiction from the previous week, and hits on the crux of the issue: “A good writer writing fanfic is a tragic waste [of talent].” Fanfic writers should have this engraved into their monitors, tattooed onto their wrists, or chiselled into their gravestones.

McGrath goes on to discuss the dark side of fanfic, the accusations of plagiarism, where a writer who has ripped off someone else’s idea then accuses them (or a staff writer) of ripping off their idea. He later explains that ideas are in the air, for anyone to breathe in then sneeze out onto paper.

For those of you with a scholarly bent, Rosewater Chronicles ponders the central question of modern philosophy: Why are bad writers attracted to complex theory?

BookEnds literary agency announces that they hate paper, especially if you’ve ruined it by writing something on it. They also remind you that “book publishing is a completely subjective business,” so you better be writing about a subject. Bookends, while we have your attention, Do people follow submission guidelines? The fsck they do.

Nathan Bransford enumerates the two sides of the he said / she asserted debate. He’s writing from Camp Said, a base near the border with the terrorist state of Fanfic, where agents wage a war of atrishun against the members of the BadGrammarian cult. He also wishes he could patent himself. 

Mike Toot suggests a solution to the moral problem of sending astronauts on a one-way mission to Mars: send bad writers instead.

Agent Kristin reveals (part of) the secret language of agents. (Hint: “No” translates as: “No”.) (Part 2.)

Victoria Strauss of Writer Beware tries (successfully) to draw the attention of 50% of bad writers with her talk of The Insidious Double D’s.

I’m not sure, but I think screenwriter turned novelist Robert Gregory Browne is admitting that he ripped off a plot from Tess Gerritsen.

Simon Haynes, who has published three humourous SF novels @ roughly 80,000 words each, has amassed 700,000 words of edited material ”for future use“. Must have one of those limited edition keyboards without a Delete key.

Advice from Micah Robinson at CHUD: “Here’s a super secret tip for getting your work sold: Stop writing screenplays and start freelancing for fancy mags.” [Emphasis added]

Henry Alford of the NYT discovered that the publishing industry actually does edit, especially when it comes to quoting reviews. Publishing industry response: “We’ll quote the entire review when the reviewer reads the entire fsckin’ book.” (Via Nathan Bransford.) 

Inspirational Quotatery:

From Lee Wood at Smart People Write (via Kenneth Davis), the truest sentence you will read this year. Really, if you read just one sentence this year, make it this one:

Bad writing makes smart people look dumb.

Writer Tom deFalco, quoted on Comics Should Be Good:

Most beginning writers believe you need one great idea to tell a story. One good idea will barely get you through the first page. To write a story, you need hundreds of ideas, and if you don’t realize that, you shouldn’t be writing.

Quotes Taken Out of Context:

• French screenwriter/director Francis Veber: “I have very bad writing.”
• J.A. Konrath: “You’re [...] a poor judge of your own work.”
• Hugh Hewitt of Townhall.com: “If I was Garrison Keillor, I’d stop writing.”
• B. Elwin Sherman of American Chronicle: “Dave Barry would quit writing again.”
• Novelist and comic book author Jamie S. Rich reviewing Spiderman 3: “All I ever see is bad writing.” (Actually, that one’s in context.)

Stop Writing if You Need This Advice award nominees:

• Nathan Bransford says don’t cold-call an agent. Filed under the general heading Don’t Be an Asshole.
• The Rejecter reminds you that US postage rates have increased. Just my 2c.
• Agent Kristin says if you get bored with your story and want to take it in a new direction, start a new story.
• Lit Agent X points out that there is a limit to the effectiveness of time spent polishing a turd. (Miss Snark adds that everyone has a few turds in the bowl.)