101 Reasons to Stop Writing

Stop Writing if You Need This Advice award nominees:

• D.Challener at Write Stuff observes that coincidences in real life are magical, but coincidences in fiction suck random dirty objects.
• If your far enough along the publishing path to need to avoid scams that purport to increase your book’s Amazon Rank, I’m probably too late, but that doesn’t stop the Wall Street Journal from trying. (Via Zooba.)
• Victoria Strauss again begs you: don’t fall for stealth vanity publishers. The latest wrinkle is seeking “outside investors”.
• Nathan Bransford says don’t waste your prospective agent’s time. If you do, they’ll have to say “No” just to make the subway.
• He also suggests that your novel’s theme belongs in the subtext, not in your query.
• The Rejecter says if you open your query with “saw you at a conference”, make sure the agent went to the conference.

SWiYNTA-MS (Miss Snark Category):

• Don’t re-query the same agent, even if you changed one of the character’s names. And you wonder how they get 30,000 submissions a year.
• Don’t submit selected excerpts. No matter how gifted you think you are, if chapters 1-3 are not representative of the overall style of your novel, you’re still on an early draft.
• What to do if you find that someone had your idea first. Miss S neglects to mention Get another idea.
• Some people just want to be screwed.
• If the sign says “No Queries” …
• Before you mass-email agents with address you trawled from the web, take a moment to comprehend that all your emails are probably being automatically deleted.
• And if you’re wondering who won Nitwit of the Fscking Year …

Bonus: Stories from the Sunday Edition:

• A Modest Proposal For Preventing Unemployed Novel Writers From Being A Burden, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Publishing
• Richard Powers’ Secret Ghost Writing Career
• Pynchon Completist Located After Long Search
• Judith Regan Starts New Press
• Dan Brown Sues Himself
• More Potter 7 Details Revealed- Harry is Gay?

Kudos to the absurdly prolific Edward Champion. I didn’t write anything for April Fool’s because, well, I’m not sure you would have noticed the difference.