101 Reasons to Stop Writing

Since I’ve been unable to update 101 Reasons on a regular basis recently, an old friend has kindly offered to help out, allowing me to post his news articles about writing and publishing a few hours before they hit the wire service.

Brooklyn, N.Y. — Jeffrey “Jeffty” Talese announced today that he had what he described as a “really terrific idea for a novel”, and was seeking a publisher to bring his idea to bookstores.

“I reckon it’s a sure-fire bestseller,” said Talese. “I’ve got about a page of notes so far, and there’s more where that came from if someone comes up with the right number.”

“It’s kinda new and different, but really familiar, like a book you’ve already read. Originality is so out right now.”

When asked where he got his idea, Talese initially declined to answer, stating that “the Creative Muse is a fickle little bitch.” He went on to explain the circumstances of his inspiration: “Me and my wife were arguing about what movie to watch the other night. The kids wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Something-Something on Fire, and Janey wanted to watch The Da Vinci Code, ’cause she likes that Tom Hanks. Me, I wanted Dead or Alive, but I could see that wasn’t going to happen. So anyways, Janey says both movies used to be books, and that they made like a gazillion dollars off of them. So I gots to thinking, and then it just came to me. And now I want my gazillion dollars, on one of them big checks.”

Literary agent Samantha Nark is offering to represent Talese’s idea. “With the amount of queries I receive every day from publishing hopefuls just like Jeffty, it usually takes months just to respond. But Jeffty played it smart, ignored all the ’submission guidelines’ we just use to weed out the gullible, and called me directly to pitch the idea. I was like ‘Whoa, where do I sign up!’ I mean, this idea’s got guaranteed-super-ultra-mega-seller written all over it. I’ve already ordered a yacht.”

“You would not believe how many people write an entire novel before sending it to us. What a waste of time! We have monkeys to do that.”

When asked to comment on the idea, Nark said, “Oh, he didn’t tell me the whole idea. Jeffty’s too smart for that. He’s keeping quiet about everything after the first act, because he’s worried about people stealing the idea. I totally respect that. But what he’s told me, well, it’s kinda new and different, but really familiar, like a book you’ve already read. Originality is so out right now. Honestly, it’s gonna sell itself, but I’d be real happy about making fifteen percent of a gazillion dollars, especially for doing almost nothing.”

Judy Regal, senior editor at publishing company Fandom House, admitted that she has seen most of the idea, and that her company is bidding “in the neighborhood of a gazillion” for the publishing rights. “Talese has done a brilliant job of sidestepping all the hurdles, catch-22’s and general BS the publishing industry has spent a hundred years developing to make the submission process impossibly hard. I mean, you would not believe how many people write an entire novel before sending it to us. What a waste of time! We have monkeys to do that. People only skim-read these days anyway. You think anyone in Hollywood reads the whole book before they drop a B-52 full of cash for the movie rights?”

“When Jeffty was five, he used to tell lots of stories. His teachers called them lies, but where are they now? Do they have an idea for a bestseller?”

Bestselling author Stephen King thinks Talese is onto something. “Writing a novel is a really long, boring process. I can only write four or five a year, and I write a few hours every freaking day. It’s like a part-time job. I used to blow my entire advance on cocaine, just to stop from falling asleep at the keyboard. Now we’ve got the Internet, and I’ve got six monitors on my desk showing baseball and porn twenty-four-seven, and it’s still boring as hell. If it weren’t for the gazillions of dollars they keep bringing to the house in dumptrucks, I don’t think I’d bother any more.”

But author James Patterson says this is nothing new. “I’m a bestselling author, I don’t have to deal with anything as mundane as writing a whole book. I just take an idea — it doesn’t have to be mine — write it down on the back of my IHOP breakfast receipt, fax it to my agent, and that afternoon there’s a suitcase of diamonds on the doorstep.”

Talese’s family and friends are ecstatic at the news of his impending success. His grandmother, Jemima “Nan” Talese, says Jeffty was a born storyteller. “When Jeffty was five, he used to tell lots of stories. His teachers called them lies, but where are they now? Do they have an idea for a bestseller?”

Although Talese says he’s “still counting the zeroes on the offers” and hasn’t released details of the idea, online bookseller Amazon.com is already taking advance orders for a book titled Frankie Porter and the Burning Grail of Fire. The synopsis reads:

Frankie Porter thought he was an ordinary kid, until a mysterious albino told him he was the last descendent of Jesus. Now he must attend Father Hoggarts Seminary of Holy Warriory, to prepare for his destiny: fighting the threat of world domination from creepy historian Phil D. Mort.

Talese admits he still has work to do before the idea is complete. “Last night I really wasn’t sure who the bad guy should be, and what to do about the ending. But then Janey rented the new version of The Omen. And it just came to me.”

Stephen Jayson Harris has been writing about the publishing industry since his first novel, The Eyes That Blind, was rejected by 157 publishers, six college professors and thirteen hot poetry chicks. He covered local industry news and book signings for the Weehawken Gazette before his exposé on the abuse of publicists by touring bestselling authors received national attention. He went on to pioneer the “pre-emptive review”, now a widely used technique. His in-depth reviews of emotional self-help books are syndicated worldwide, although he has been banned from re-converting to Judaism any more. He is currently writing a book about the Judith Regan/OJ Simpson scandal, entitled She Did It!