101 Reasons to Stop Writing

Writer and reviewer Bella Stander recently compiled A Taxonomy of Authors from the collective experiences of industry publicists. However, the list only relates to authors successful enough to be given a publicist to abuse and degrade. Most of you won’t have that chance.

I present here an infinitely more useful Hierarchy of Authors, in order for you, Dear Reader, to find your place in this scheme, and to more clearly define your fantasies.

We’ll begin by covering the authors at the top of the heap, the big cheeses, the lottery winners.

You’re all entitled to one brief delusion that you might ever reach this level of success.

There you go.

The Canon

Authors who have changed lives, literature, the world. Authors who will be widely read, discussed and quoted a hundred years after the university you bequeath your notes to burns to the ground. Their work is so subtle and complex that if you don’t appreciate it, it’s your fault.

Those who are shortlisted for the Canon get laid by hot grad students for the rest of their lives. However, their sales never befit their status, and quality Chinese opium is more expensive than it was in the 1860’s.

When I say You will never be this good, there’s only a 1 in 100 million chance I’m wrong.

The Blockbuster

Authors who routinely sell in the millions because they routinely sell in the millions. Some of them make more money than Australia (especially now that our biggest export took one in the chest from a fish you can’t even eat). The only thing they cannot buy is entry into the Canon - though it appears that some of them can’t afford an editor. The quality of their novels may fade over the years, but with a yard of shelf space in every bookstore in the Western world, who cares?

A surprising number of them have easy-to-pronounce names, but if anyone knew the secret to becoming a Blockbuster, they wouldn’t tell you. You have more chance of being hit by a car, then the driver dying mysteriously on your next birthday.

The Bestseller

They may not have their own picture printed on their money yet, but their publicists know not to leave any brown M&M’s on the signing table. Newspaper reviewers compete to write the most fawning, quotable review because the Features Editor plays golf with them. They’ve reached the point where it takes a streak of four utterly shit novels for readers to start losing interest.

If you do everything right in your career, and come up with an endearing series character you can spin out forever, you may have one chance to become a Bestseller. (And I mean ‘you’ as in the collective readership of this blog, not actually you.)

What are your chances of ever being this successful? Roll a dice. Count the number of times that it takes to roll five sixes in a row. Now, tell everyone you know. That’s as famous as you’re ever going to get.

(On to Part Two.)